her...

she is loved and despised. anxious but completley content. lost but centered. abused to be nurtured. envious when envied. never looking at the unexpected. blind. choking on fears and past. no one notices she is screaming inside, appears to be calm. look past the hazel glass shes dying. no one notices trying to climb out but stuck. reaching but there is nothing in her grasp. alone while standing in a crowded room. she smiles but shes crying inside. dying to be saved.

save her...

things i want to do

1. start swiming again
2. see the northern lights
3. sky Dive
4. get the tattoo of snake on my arm and a pirate ship on my leg
5. see more live music
6. do more writing
7. learn to pick locks
8. get free acess to internet
9. get paid to blog
10. feel the fear and do it anyway
11. be a secret agent
12. walk on burning charcoal
13. steal an ipod, and then return it
14. stop procrastinating
15. go on a road trip with no predetermined destination
16. kiss in the rain
17. free my mind
18. kiss a stranger
19. never grow up
20. try to sleep
21. work for google
22. help test new devices: stuff from robocop or jamesbond movies
23. cage dive with sharks
24. keep on imagining the world would only last for 20 mins
25. make a wall between my hands
26. peel fruits in my head

the real me many will never know. beautiful yet in the eyes of the beholder ugly, brave, free, yet tortured confined and scared. full of imperfections, scars, bad memories. tortured, scarred mentally, emotionally,physically. i try to hide them, no one can see me hurt, feel my scars, my fears; hide them from everyone and anyone. let no one in, they will just defy you, betray you, hurt you. painfully i know and see what is going on, i feel the pain of letting no one in, trusting no one, expecting to be hurt, scarred. i try and try everyday to move on to erase the scars the memories that imperfections before they consume me.

skin

i read somewhere recently that human skin sheds, just like snakes. the thing is, the process is much less dramatic. apparently, one ‘skin cycle’ is seven years. seven years, and then you’re new again. i can’t tell if that’s long or short.
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don’t worry, it will grow back.
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wtf

im thinking about deleting it.
its all one button away.
they hit me.
they think i forget.
they think a whole lot of things.
i dont know what to do.
i want to show them what im becoming on the inside.
what they are doing to me.





in a very crappy mood today....

happy today

well for starters i wanted to tell you i'm happy right now......

• heard you laugh the way you do
• slept well
• no pains
• something is off my chest

let me wish well to the faithful departed.

you will be missed... i love you

i know you loved me. i'm sorry i never got to say it face to face, but it almost killed me that we could've had that chance.

i understand that you were growing in the wrong time, i can imagine how in a hurry you were to grow up. you would take care of me, i've always been hyperactive. now being hyperactive is just another synonym for being in a hurry all the time. i saw you before you went away. i saw you. it was odd at first but only god knows why you were where you were.

i think about how things could've been if you would've been born. i sometimes think that you would've been a girl. you would've been very pretty, your mother has very charming eyes.

regardless of what you heard before you went away, you were a blessing to me. i know now that next time i'll be more responsible, because i never knew you were waiting inside until your mother told me. i hope that where you are they are treating you good. just keep waiting and when i'm ready you can come back home.

i love you! always,

the settling

to the man upstairs:

are you really up there? i think you are, but do you really care like they say you do? like i was promised my whole life? i don't know. maybe i've never had a chance to really step back and see all the things you've done for me. maybe i'm just blind. your strength at times had come in small doses, hitting me long enough so that i could breathe deeply again maybe for a short while. i prayed to you. many weren't answered. then one day out of the blue, something happened. this something filled my lungs with with a breathe that i imagine people who have seen the "light" to take the second after they wake. it was like i had never really breathed before. my God, i try not to doubt you. but right now i can. it kills me to know that you have placed a weight on her shoulders that she doesn't deserve. if i could carry her weight on my shoulders i would, but i can't - i'm not capable enough. but alone we will share the load and you can't stop us.

1 Phool aur 1 Fool

adaptation and survival?

we attempted to hide beneath the shadow that linked us together. however, on the day that shadow left, the moon rose above us and eliminated the shadow that strong crescent sun had created. and underneath the moonlight we bathed in happiness, forgetting that the sun was bound to rise tomorrow. for the sun will rise everyday and the shadow shall never leave. so what shall one do? so how can one choose between night and day? you would assume that the answer of that is to leave both the sun and moon. But what happens when you shut the moon and the sun out of your life?

simple, there is no life. your soul shall always drift and never be complacent. you will find substitutes for the sun and the moon, but you will never feel as alive as you do now. as in the XY/XX, you will be settling and never truly be happy.

wouldn't it be great if the sun and the moon could both rise at the same time and bless one with there grace simultaneously? but do you remember what happened when we both attempted to shine at the same time. CHAOS ! and ironically the sun and the moon come from the same galaxy, and we both orbit around the same planet.

i guess i'm not making anything anymore clear to you and i'm not telling you something that you don't already now. however, i do want to tell you that you have been burned by the sun sufficient times and if you allow the moon to entice you with it gentle embrace, then you adapt to live with out the sun. isn't that what human survival based on? adaptation and survival?