dear dream

we never stood a chance in the water.

we were just too different. i jumped in naked, laughing and screaming, howling at the moon.

you wore your socks, narrowed your eyes, and tiptoed timidly on the shore.

i have never met anyone who is afraid of their own toes.

never mind the water.


- insomnia

smile

world offers endless road trips. it promises greener grass.

and sometime between preschool and second grade,

it made a dreamer out of me.

aaaarrrrggggghhhhhh

I need to use the bathroom. It's been 30 minutes and I really need to pee. It would be great if Senor Shit-pants would emerge from his porcelain-bowl oasis sometime in the near future. I'm dying over here!I love how I can hear him tearing the toilet paper off of the roll and then sighing in relief. Disgusting. No wonder TP vanishes in 2.2 seconds in this piece! This is the third time he's been in there tonight.I would just like to relieve my bladder before I start coversating. But noooo. Now I'll have to wait 20 minues for the stench to neutralize. Great.

pov

a whole, crisp clear perspective has developed. it makes more sense than ever before. and yet, im more lost than ever before. when did clarity become so confusing?

me

i don't understand it; i'll never understand it.

observation 1,113,113,113

people are strange. they walk around pretending to have everything they need, coffee, newspaper, breakfast bar with the pre-melted milk inside. it's funny though--you always seem them scrambling, looking in pockets or purses-- searching for the missing.

one

and so i ran like i only know how triping over the words fumbleing, for a momment i thought i was in and as i am use to i ran scareid. my own shadow jumped in the way and i ran one looked at me as i left. into the rain i went and stoped one fallowed and we danced for a momment. then again i ran like i always do and only know how, always trying to say words to make one fall for me. one makes me tremmble with a fear the only fear i know. why is one so hard to talk to why do i have to say words cant i show one what i feal cant one just know? she she has my heart and why?

DEAR SLEEP

dear sleep


you're a fickle friend and all to absent, erratically stepping in and out of my life, no real explanations ever given. you and i had an appointment last night, but once again, you were no where to be found.


and so where does that leave me? red-eyed and crazed, battling mild hallucinations. everything seems too bright, too exaggerated, yet still somehow there is something missing from people's faces and their eyes, like a colorless color you only notice when its gone.


you are an untrustwory associate at best. i'm starting to lose faith in you completely. seems like i haven't seen you in days

leaf clover

a whole, crisp clear perspective has developed. it makes more sense than ever before. and yet, im more lost than ever before. when did clarity become so confusing?

when i awake from a nothingness, i look back at the past grind and see an abyss. a wasted time off light makeing me want to live it again. i do and the same blackness of what re-plays. converes with a light that can not be seen by me. i envy the souls who see out of the abyss and recover a clover from the patch, for my patch has no leafs of for. everything i feel, make, work, try turns to and stays nothing. i need a change i need a four leaf clover.

and so i shut my eyes for another nothingness. if they open at the end, what should i do who should i become. find it i must a clover of four. so then tell me am i searching for the wrong myth or are they all the same, unicorns, nomes, bottles in witch magical beings dwell and grant three, fairys, a fuzzy foot. or do i change and live the new abyss as it comes, not to be me but differant as a whole. i have no answer for. ahh rest i want need the only thing i do right. rest with a nothing in my abyss.

the world is multi-faceted, uber-complex and overwhelming at times. please, do not accuse me of being crazy just because i experience the full breadth of emotions available.

i read this in a book i was reading the otherday, it made so much sense... "everything that succeeds creates the conditions for its own demise."

what

so here we stand not alone, at the apex of our life! finding out who we are what we are made to do. finding out why we can breath the air we breath. finding out why we eat the food we eat. finding out about people who we might not have met. finding out about things that are meant to be and things that are not meant to be. finding out about love. finding out about hate. and then we lie rest to make room for more finding out.

where

it's just a place,
between the past and future.
one day we'll be able to move beyond it,
not in the cliche death way, together, yes,
we'll arrive in some other place and say,
'oh, wow, so this is where we were going.'


i carelessly lost god and i blame the catholic church

intergalactic

with so much space
there is a rumor going around
that matter does not have mass
it attracts it, no kind of air or ether required
and the thin energy
off dreaming somewhere else

glass is fluid

i left
my overcoat behind
plush-colored or khaki
whichever i would have chosen
had i remembered
that it’s starting to get cold
again.


my
fingers slightly swollen
i walked on admiring the new fashions of coating
wondering how long
i had left to be without
cover
still, to strangers and friends
indisputably sane

i think there might be aliens. and i'm sure they're more stable than these humans running around.

toys

when i was little i used to smash my toys against the wall, when i was upset.

eventually all my toys were broken.

when i get upset now, i just get smashed.

how not to save your life..................

two shots in the arm
i am bleeding from the left and i can't breathe in here.
let my blood flow free, release it from those little plastic bottles in your hand.
release me from the squares on my fingertips, i have no affinty for this life.

are my longings realistic or are they just the wishful thinking ?
aflower child longing to break free?
i never wanted this.Never.

i told all of you many times and yet, there was the pressure.
i have succombed and now i am left to roll over and over
in sharp objects and pretend it doesn't hurt.

patchquilts

it's like coming in from a cold windy day an sitting in front of the fireplace with foggy glasses, and it's like running through the park on the first day of summer laughing and pretending to be a caveman. it's really like yellow flannel pajamas just warm out of the dryer. it's patchquilts and suede pants, and sleeping with a baby puppy the first night you get it. it's like opening a brand new pink floyd album, wearing new coat on the first day of winter to the school. it's like seeing a best friend for the first time in three months and not saying a word for at least five minutes, just grinning. it's like finishing your third beer at the beach and noticing your nose is sunburned. it's like going to a party with a bald head wearing red tennis shoes and an itchy foot moose tee shirt and asking the ugliest, plimply girl to dance and she's a really good dancer. it's like giving a bum a brand new pack of cigarettes when he asks for just one. it's like throwing a touchdown pass in a football game and listening to the people cheer. it's like doing your last length before putting on your medallion while your butt still hurts. it's listening to simon and garfunkel and crying from happyiness. it's patchquilts.

NOW

every morning i awake in iceland, and securely take hold of my thrown. as the new reigning king of the land of exhaustion, i trudge through the day, scorching the rude dirty monkeys with fire from my eyes as they attempt to dance on my nerves and toy with the little patience i still have remaining. i end the day with a magical vitamin that should be enhancing my body, but which really upsets and binds. so i drift off to sleep, only to be awakened, oh so often, by the distant call of streaming yellow waterfalls. the riches of my kingdom will not be reaped for many months, and until then i will endure the life of living in iceland, exhaustion so i will be blessed with a beautiful, new life.

for such a beautiful place, it sure can be cruel. for such a cruel place, it sure can be spectacular

dear them,

i am writing to you to let you know that it is ok to get upset about things. you don't always have to wake up and put a smile on your face. you don't have to find the light at the end of the tunnel. sometimes there is no light. you are only fooling yourself into believing that everything is alright. you may be fooling others as well, but what good does it do you. it only makes you have to act that much more the next day.

just stop fuckin' lieing to yourself and realize that you are not a happy person. you hold it all in and you put on this facade for the world, but if you don't believe it eventually nobody else will and they will all know how phony you are.

there, self, doesn't it feel better to let that out!

life can really suck sometimes, embrace it. don't deny it.

maybe it won't get any better than this.......

i'm

i'm not a sinner, i'm not a saint, i'm not a redeemer or an evangelist. i'm not a punk or a gangster or a criminal or a squeaky clean member of society. i'm not a rolling stone, a righteous brother or a killer. i'm not a savior. i'm not a menace to society, i'm not a political propagandist and i'm not an extremist. i'll never go on a suicide mission. i cried on 9/11, i don't care whether OJ's guilty or innocent. i think abdul kalam is one of the best presidents we've had in slightly recent years. i think people need to stop bitching about gas prices and start looking at what's really going on in the middle east. i'm not an addict, i'm not an alcoholic, i'm not a raver or a metalhead. i don't like clancy but i'd read shakespeare all day. i don't have a criminal record and i've been arrested. i have a great memory for numbers, lyrics and movie scripts but a terrible one for chores and various other responsibilities. sometimes i'm a great artist, sometimes i can't write, sing, play, dance, paint, draw or otherwise create to save my life. i love kids, always wanted to have one, but as of now have none. i love women, never wanted to be married, but now am proposing marriage everyday. i'm a loyal backstabber. i'm an honest liar. i'm completely different, yet just like everyone else. i'm your best friend and your worst enemy. i'm me, and it's nice to finally meet me.

Something About Words

"There is something about words. In expert hands, manipulated deftly, they take you prisoner. Wind themselves around your limbs like spider silk, and when you are so enthralled you cannot move, they pierce your skin, enter your blood, num your thoughts. Inside you they work their magic."

"The Thirteenth Tale" p. 9 by Diane Setterfield"

Damm Cars

i sit here now, the same place you did, except they must have fixed the light across the street because it doesn't flicker anymore; it has lost its poeticness.

the flag has been in a stalemate with the wind for months; the green and white are staying, but the wheels are on the move. i think they're headed west in a trail wagon.

i shooed two dogs off the car yesterday.

i just felt like kicking something out. the fish pond just got its yearly eradication of green gunk. i have a feeling the little guys are planning a revolution.

ashish and i drive remote control cars on the driveway and crash them into each other: he usually gets to me first because he doesn't want to know what it feels like to lose.

i drive to the train station every day on my way to work; i scan the parking lot for the girl in the long overcoat that needs the ride home but can't see you.

dirt

conversations always seem a little - dirty - when they take place in the dark. especially if conversations are occuring between a male and female.


you could be talking about peaches, but turn off the lights and it's an entirely different conversation.


it's like a constant game of truth or dare.


i played the truth, but somehow, i ended up daring.


now we're back to truth. and i'm going to have to eat the worm.

me and them

how sad it is to see that i can't even come in contact with them without walking away broken.
so broken that i eventually give up?
accept my demise?
and learn how to survive as broken separate people?
like clay i am molded around anything and everything that comes my way. i end up doing exactly what they don't want to be done to me, i become the one you loath and no longer the one you love. like strangers we inflict each other with senseless acts of indulgence. who would've ever known that the pursuit of happiness could get so dirty and cost me so much? many cold stares and a goodbye forever later, i open my eyes when there is no salvation from the rock bottom. i weep and wile at the making of our regrets and wonder how it could've ever ended like this. but by the time i ask the question, i already know the answer, because we are, all in all, a little too late...

life

jarred souls,
drunk sun…
hungover clouds,
bleeding hearts,
withering hopes…
hazy smiles,
dry tears,
life begun…
killer silence,
echoing words,
deathly horizons,
frightened dawns,
yet i crawl…to reach life,
somewhere unknown, where the sun shines…where the rain don’t hurt, so long…
till then i lie in my misery!!!

her...

she is loved and despised. anxious but completley content. lost but centered. abused to be nurtured. envious when envied. never looking at the unexpected. blind. choking on fears and past. no one notices she is screaming inside, appears to be calm. look past the hazel glass shes dying. no one notices trying to climb out but stuck. reaching but there is nothing in her grasp. alone while standing in a crowded room. she smiles but shes crying inside. dying to be saved.

save her...

things i want to do

1. start swiming again
2. see the northern lights
3. sky Dive
4. get the tattoo of snake on my arm and a pirate ship on my leg
5. see more live music
6. do more writing
7. learn to pick locks
8. get free acess to internet
9. get paid to blog
10. feel the fear and do it anyway
11. be a secret agent
12. walk on burning charcoal
13. steal an ipod, and then return it
14. stop procrastinating
15. go on a road trip with no predetermined destination
16. kiss in the rain
17. free my mind
18. kiss a stranger
19. never grow up
20. try to sleep
21. work for google
22. help test new devices: stuff from robocop or jamesbond movies
23. cage dive with sharks
24. keep on imagining the world would only last for 20 mins
25. make a wall between my hands
26. peel fruits in my head

the real me many will never know. beautiful yet in the eyes of the beholder ugly, brave, free, yet tortured confined and scared. full of imperfections, scars, bad memories. tortured, scarred mentally, emotionally,physically. i try to hide them, no one can see me hurt, feel my scars, my fears; hide them from everyone and anyone. let no one in, they will just defy you, betray you, hurt you. painfully i know and see what is going on, i feel the pain of letting no one in, trusting no one, expecting to be hurt, scarred. i try and try everyday to move on to erase the scars the memories that imperfections before they consume me.

skin

i read somewhere recently that human skin sheds, just like snakes. the thing is, the process is much less dramatic. apparently, one ‘skin cycle’ is seven years. seven years, and then you’re new again. i can’t tell if that’s long or short.
-----
-----
-----
-----
-----
-----
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don’t worry, it will grow back.
........................................................................................................

wtf

im thinking about deleting it.
its all one button away.
they hit me.
they think i forget.
they think a whole lot of things.
i dont know what to do.
i want to show them what im becoming on the inside.
what they are doing to me.





in a very crappy mood today....

happy today

well for starters i wanted to tell you i'm happy right now......

• heard you laugh the way you do
• slept well
• no pains
• something is off my chest

let me wish well to the faithful departed.

you will be missed... i love you

i know you loved me. i'm sorry i never got to say it face to face, but it almost killed me that we could've had that chance.

i understand that you were growing in the wrong time, i can imagine how in a hurry you were to grow up. you would take care of me, i've always been hyperactive. now being hyperactive is just another synonym for being in a hurry all the time. i saw you before you went away. i saw you. it was odd at first but only god knows why you were where you were.

i think about how things could've been if you would've been born. i sometimes think that you would've been a girl. you would've been very pretty, your mother has very charming eyes.

regardless of what you heard before you went away, you were a blessing to me. i know now that next time i'll be more responsible, because i never knew you were waiting inside until your mother told me. i hope that where you are they are treating you good. just keep waiting and when i'm ready you can come back home.

i love you! always,

the settling

to the man upstairs:

are you really up there? i think you are, but do you really care like they say you do? like i was promised my whole life? i don't know. maybe i've never had a chance to really step back and see all the things you've done for me. maybe i'm just blind. your strength at times had come in small doses, hitting me long enough so that i could breathe deeply again maybe for a short while. i prayed to you. many weren't answered. then one day out of the blue, something happened. this something filled my lungs with with a breathe that i imagine people who have seen the "light" to take the second after they wake. it was like i had never really breathed before. my God, i try not to doubt you. but right now i can. it kills me to know that you have placed a weight on her shoulders that she doesn't deserve. if i could carry her weight on my shoulders i would, but i can't - i'm not capable enough. but alone we will share the load and you can't stop us.

1 Phool aur 1 Fool

adaptation and survival?

we attempted to hide beneath the shadow that linked us together. however, on the day that shadow left, the moon rose above us and eliminated the shadow that strong crescent sun had created. and underneath the moonlight we bathed in happiness, forgetting that the sun was bound to rise tomorrow. for the sun will rise everyday and the shadow shall never leave. so what shall one do? so how can one choose between night and day? you would assume that the answer of that is to leave both the sun and moon. But what happens when you shut the moon and the sun out of your life?

simple, there is no life. your soul shall always drift and never be complacent. you will find substitutes for the sun and the moon, but you will never feel as alive as you do now. as in the XY/XX, you will be settling and never truly be happy.

wouldn't it be great if the sun and the moon could both rise at the same time and bless one with there grace simultaneously? but do you remember what happened when we both attempted to shine at the same time. CHAOS ! and ironically the sun and the moon come from the same galaxy, and we both orbit around the same planet.

i guess i'm not making anything anymore clear to you and i'm not telling you something that you don't already now. however, i do want to tell you that you have been burned by the sun sufficient times and if you allow the moon to entice you with it gentle embrace, then you adapt to live with out the sun. isn't that what human survival based on? adaptation and survival?